A Toast to That Perfect Someone

X., you’re smart, stylish and funny. You’re generous, selfless, self-effacing, with bottomless founts of patience and gratitude. I speak for everyone here when I say … fuck you.

Your parents gave you unconditional love and support and never wanted anything in return. And you’ve only ever had generous and compatible lovers. Without shame, anxiety, apprehension or regrets, you delighted in one another’s bodies. Fuck them.

You socialize with world leaders and won’t share the tiniest inconsequential bit of gossip. You’re well known for respecting cultural differences while appreciating our shared humanity. And you’re an excellent amateur photographer. Fuck. You.

You have best-of-breed children. They’re stylish, smart and funny — just like you! What the fuck?

Here you are at the top of your game, in work, in love, in life. We follow your lead, but seriously, fuck you. Now, everyone please raise a glass and join me in toasting X.:

Let’s be clear. To be here is
well beneath your station.
Let’s drink to the only thing you lack:
a profane imagination.